i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
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i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
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It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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