What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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