Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize