Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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