She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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