Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
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I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
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The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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