Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
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I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
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It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
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