Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
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using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
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Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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