You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
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we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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