Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
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He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
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I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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