So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
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Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
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I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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