just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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