i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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