does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
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She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
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You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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