You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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