she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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