He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
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You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
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New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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