I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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