I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
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Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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