I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Alive.
So much puke
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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