Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
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GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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