Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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