I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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