Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Randomize