That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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