dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
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Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
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Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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