New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
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She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
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Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize