I never want to see another naked old woman again.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
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i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
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Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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