My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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