Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
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Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
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You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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