Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
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I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Found the puke drawer
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
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But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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