WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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