I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
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He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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