I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
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My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
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Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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