So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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