Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
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He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
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were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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