if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
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I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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