Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
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He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
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Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
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