I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
tonight lets celebrate not being married
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I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
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I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
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