Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
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