Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
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everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
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I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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