there's paper in my vomit.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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