and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
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I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
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Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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