Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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