His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
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He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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