I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
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wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
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She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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