On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
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Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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