Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize