just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
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Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
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I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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