Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
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I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
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The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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